I see my post from August 10th 2010, at that time I figured I was staring at death in the face, it was my 6th month since diagnosis, so I was waiting for the death knells to start tolling. Instead, it seems the chemo shrunk my tumors enough that I was able to have surgery December 20th of 2010 and here it is February 29th 2012 and I am still here. I had forgotten about this blog. Hopefully I write more later.
Winter Marie
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Friday, August 20, 2010
Giving
So now it's been time to diverse myself of things I no longer need. I gave my cute 1965 bug to the man that had been fixing it for the past year. The least I could do. I get rid of clothing to the Salvation Army. What do I need to physical items anymore?
While in the hospital after all the tests were done, and there were many, the nurse asks me if I want the truth, and I do.
The truth is I'm too far gone, there is no saving me, go home, enjoy the rest of my life, chemo will only give me a couple of extra months, do I want the tiredness, etc., that chemo is? Or do I want quality over quantity. Ahhhh, I've been given my death sentence, not a happy moment, no, not at all for me this day.
While in the hospital after all the tests were done, and there were many, the nurse asks me if I want the truth, and I do.
The truth is I'm too far gone, there is no saving me, go home, enjoy the rest of my life, chemo will only give me a couple of extra months, do I want the tiredness, etc., that chemo is? Or do I want quality over quantity. Ahhhh, I've been given my death sentence, not a happy moment, no, not at all for me this day.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Dying Isn't Easy
So had I not gone into the hospital, I was given one week to live. Thank you Medical, my week passed, and I'm still here.
Next came was my chemo, however, my medical and doctor's office couldn't find a meeting of minds. I was supposed to start chemo in February, I end up starting in March, less time I'm thinking for living my life.
I begin getting rid of the excess of my life, things precious to me, but to no others. Memories that are mine, left with smiles, cannot be transferred to family or friends. I realize at this point, I am not longer making memories for myself, they mean nothing. When I die, they die with me. I am only leaving memories for my family.
Sad.
Next came was my chemo, however, my medical and doctor's office couldn't find a meeting of minds. I was supposed to start chemo in February, I end up starting in March, less time I'm thinking for living my life.
I begin getting rid of the excess of my life, things precious to me, but to no others. Memories that are mine, left with smiles, cannot be transferred to family or friends. I realize at this point, I am not longer making memories for myself, they mean nothing. When I die, they die with me. I am only leaving memories for my family.
Sad.
Paying the bills
So, I've racked up hospital bills I can't pay. Borrowed money to pay my oncologist. I end up at the Santa Cruz Medical?(crap can't think of the name for it) any rate it's for basically homeless people. I made 9,000.00 yes, nine thousand dollars and didn't qualify for the Santa Cruz insurance. Thankfully, the lady passed me on to the medical person. And yes, I qualified for that. I can LIVE. How sad is this??? Making more I wouldn't qualify and would die. How bizarre, I'm thinking we didn't need this whole government insurance thing, just a qualified insurance, your company can't carry you? You don't qualify for medical or medicaid? This is an alternative. DEATH, should not be the alternative, never, never, yet I faced it, and thankfully the State of California, stepped in and saved my life.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Meeting with Oncologist
February 9, 2010. I met with my oncologist that was recommended via the Emergency Room physician, his name is Dr. Yen.
He seemed very kind and caring.
He first off noted that I didn't have insurance, and in today's world, he informed me, in the PERFECT WORLD, I would be admitted to the hospital and would have many tests to determine my standing with the cancer. Stage I, II, III, or IV, stage IV being the worst.
I had borrowed the $360.00 for the oncologist's visit. That was the first hurdle.
However, since the ER did not keep me (the hospital would have had to accept me, since I went through the ER), there was no where to go.
That's it people, you don't have insurance, you have cancer, you have no way to pay, you get to die. Kind of sucks doesn't it?? Really sucks to tell the truth.
I told him, you get me into the hospital, I'll take care of how to pay the bills later. Just get me in. I WANT a chance at life. I WANT to LIVE!!!
He sent the paper work to admit me, we walked over and I got admitted.
Thank you Dominican for taking me at my word. You will get paid somehow.
He seemed very kind and caring.
He first off noted that I didn't have insurance, and in today's world, he informed me, in the PERFECT WORLD, I would be admitted to the hospital and would have many tests to determine my standing with the cancer. Stage I, II, III, or IV, stage IV being the worst.
I had borrowed the $360.00 for the oncologist's visit. That was the first hurdle.
However, since the ER did not keep me (the hospital would have had to accept me, since I went through the ER), there was no where to go.
That's it people, you don't have insurance, you have cancer, you have no way to pay, you get to die. Kind of sucks doesn't it?? Really sucks to tell the truth.
I told him, you get me into the hospital, I'll take care of how to pay the bills later. Just get me in. I WANT a chance at life. I WANT to LIVE!!!
He sent the paper work to admit me, we walked over and I got admitted.
Thank you Dominican for taking me at my word. You will get paid somehow.
The first time hearing "You have cancer"
I'd been having pains for quite some time in my right side. They would come, they would go, those pains. I couldn't eat well during the pains. I looked up the reasoning for the pain on the Internet. Everything pointed to two possibilities, one was appendicitis, which didn't make sense, since appendicitis doesn't last for a week at a time and then go away and then reappear again going on for two years. That left the second possibility which was cancer.
I couldn't afford to have cancer, I was no longer insured. So it got ignored. For about two years.
Then the time came that, I could no longer eat food, it wasn't coming out the one end it should of, instead, at the other end where I could only throw up my meals.
I had lost 35 pounds, but just thought how great it was to lose weight for once since menopause.
On February 6th at about 1:00 am in the morning, the pain I had been feeling all day in my side, was getting so bad, I couldn't lay down, I couldn't stand, I just couldn't take it any more.
I drove myself to the Emergency Room at the Dominican Hospital. When they asked what was wrong, I couldn't think of anything to say except maybe I had appendicitis. It was only a few minutes wait before I was back there. They decided to do a CT scan as I was in obvious pain.
After the scan they were giving me morphine, which helped the pain a little, not a lot.
About a half hour later the Dr. came into the cubicle and patted my leg. It was a sympathy pat if there ever was one. She then announced that "unfortunately it isn't appendicitis, it's colon cancer."
WOW, you start blinking back tears rapidly at that point. Not words you really in your heart expected to hear, not words you ever, ever wanted to hear. You try to be brave. She told me she was sorry and left me alone to finish her paper work.
I laid there and kept thinking, "cancer? cancer?", I didn't cry heavy, just little tears kept insisting on coming down, silent little sad tears.
The Dr. was very efficient and good. She came back with numbers of physicians to call first thing on Monday morning. She had actually called the physicians at 2:00 am that morning to make sure they would see me on Monday. I truly appreciated that, she was a good, kind physician.
As I got ready to leave they told me that they had some prescriptions for me, if I would wait, I told them I would go to the waiting room.
I was hugged by the nurses and desk personnel and wished the best.
The young gentleman that brought out my prescription gave me a big hug as well and told me to stay strong and fight for my life. That made me cry even more. How wonderful they all were.
I went home, climbed into bed and waited to tell my husband in the morning what they had diagnosed.
I cried most of the night.
I begged God to make this not real.
Then I sobbed more, crying these words over and over again, like a broke record: "Please God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.........
This went on for a few hours.
I'll never forget February 6, 2010
I couldn't afford to have cancer, I was no longer insured. So it got ignored. For about two years.
Then the time came that, I could no longer eat food, it wasn't coming out the one end it should of, instead, at the other end where I could only throw up my meals.
I had lost 35 pounds, but just thought how great it was to lose weight for once since menopause.
On February 6th at about 1:00 am in the morning, the pain I had been feeling all day in my side, was getting so bad, I couldn't lay down, I couldn't stand, I just couldn't take it any more.
I drove myself to the Emergency Room at the Dominican Hospital. When they asked what was wrong, I couldn't think of anything to say except maybe I had appendicitis. It was only a few minutes wait before I was back there. They decided to do a CT scan as I was in obvious pain.
After the scan they were giving me morphine, which helped the pain a little, not a lot.
About a half hour later the Dr. came into the cubicle and patted my leg. It was a sympathy pat if there ever was one. She then announced that "unfortunately it isn't appendicitis, it's colon cancer."
WOW, you start blinking back tears rapidly at that point. Not words you really in your heart expected to hear, not words you ever, ever wanted to hear. You try to be brave. She told me she was sorry and left me alone to finish her paper work.
I laid there and kept thinking, "cancer? cancer?", I didn't cry heavy, just little tears kept insisting on coming down, silent little sad tears.
The Dr. was very efficient and good. She came back with numbers of physicians to call first thing on Monday morning. She had actually called the physicians at 2:00 am that morning to make sure they would see me on Monday. I truly appreciated that, she was a good, kind physician.
As I got ready to leave they told me that they had some prescriptions for me, if I would wait, I told them I would go to the waiting room.
I was hugged by the nurses and desk personnel and wished the best.
The young gentleman that brought out my prescription gave me a big hug as well and told me to stay strong and fight for my life. That made me cry even more. How wonderful they all were.
I went home, climbed into bed and waited to tell my husband in the morning what they had diagnosed.
I cried most of the night.
I begged God to make this not real.
Then I sobbed more, crying these words over and over again, like a broke record: "Please God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.........
This went on for a few hours.
I'll never forget February 6, 2010
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